7 behaviors of self defeating behaviors that keep you stuck! by John Seeley
Disorganization is where someone tries to put roadblock on moving forward in their life. Their sub-conscious mind is keeping them safe from what they fear. It thinks it’s helping you, but in reality it’s preventing you from moving forward, which on some level is what you want.
Cheating on diets and workouts is again is related to fear. It’s not fear of the outcome of being in shape, but of what that means. For example it might mean you’re attractive to the opposite sex, and since you were hurt by them, you don’t want that. It also means commitment to keeping in shape, or else you will have done something worse than failed. You succeeded, and then failed. In your sub-conscious mind, that is worse than never achieving success. If you didn’t achieve success, you can blame it on other people or other things. Once you succeed, you own it. Now it’s yours to lose.
Overspending is usually where you are using it as a numbing effect. You feel bad about some part of your life, which you feel is out of your control, and you want to reward yourself in hopes that it will compensate you for not having the other thing. However it usually only has a temporary effect. Like any “addiction” it needs more each time to achieve the same desired effect due to a tolerance build up.
Picking unnecessary fights and burning bridges is usually due to a fear of loss. Often you fear the other person is going to “break-up” with you, or reject you in some way. So you do it first to maintain the illusion of control, and not being rejected. Unfortunately your sub-conscious mind knows what’s going on, so the comforted feeling only lasts till your state of denial exists. Sooner or later, after enough fights, you’re alone. You might keep denying it, but you’ll be miserable deep down.
Constant lateness might appear only to be inconsideration. It sometimes is related to not being able to say no. But chronic lateness usually is a passive-aggressive way to say you don’t want to be where you have to be. You don’t like that someone else is controlling your time. It’s a way of saying I’m more important than you.
Procrastination often has to due with issues of perfectionism. You feel you have to do everything perfectly, and to that end you put off something till you can do it just right. Being human, by definition imperfect beings, this can be quite a trap. The trap is because you don’t accept that because you believe you can do it perfectly, so until you have everything right, you don’t complete it. Procrastination also has to due with not wanting to look bad. If you feel you will look bad from doing something again that isn’t perfect, you won’t do it. You feel it’s better to be thought of as late, than bad.
are probably the worst, but as I said before, some of the previous
are addictions. Addictions are used
as self-medication. The person addicted wants to numb their bad
feelings, either physical or mental/emotional. People are addicted
to different things, some better than others, but these coping
mechanisms usually only work temporarily if at all. It’s
better to address the pain, as with all these self-defeating
behaviors as soon as you can. Get help if you don’t feel
you can do it alone. It will save you pain and suffering in the
The way to deal with being with disorganization, is through getting organized. I know it sounds simple, and in theory it is. The psychological, whether mental or emotional blocks, that have held you from doing that can be staggering. So you have two simple ways to deal with it. One way is to choose one thing each day that you can organize. Bit by bit you will accomplish the organization you desire. It’s like eating and elephant. You do it one bite at a time. The second way is to do one great big reorganization. It can be quite a task, but it can be done. They even have TV reality shows that do it for you. For those that choose this method, if you find it overwhelming, hire someone to help you with it.
When we cheat on diets or workouts, we tell our subconscious not to believe what we say we want. This can be reversed by renegotiating your commitments. Begin with small ones that you absolutely know you will keep! Then keep them! This begins retraining your subconscious mind to begin to support your desires.
Overspending needs to be treated like an addiction. Stop Cold Turkey. You need to create a budget that meets your needs. You can build in some “mad money”, but that is the only money you spend. When you feel the need to be a spendthrift, you need to stop, and feel you feelings. Feel what is the real need you need fulfilled. Then find something healthy that meets it. If you need professional help, get some to deal with it.. Overspending can cause multiple problems if you don’t.
Picking unnecessary fights or burning bridges is usually the kind of problem that needs some professional support. Find a coach or therapist that can help you face your fears and heal the old wound causing this.
The motivation for constant lateness needs to be addressed for each person individually. If it’s something that the person doesn’t like to do, that issue needs to be addressed. The person needs to find inner strength to face the resentments openly, and directly. This usually needs professional support. Once they learn to face the things they don’t like, and work solutions out, they will likely be more prompt.
Dealing with procrastination
can’t be put off! It’s
the very thing that a procrastinator would want to do. So you
must start now. First make a new agreement with yourself, that
you are not perfect, and don’t need to be. This may feel
very challenging, and again sometimes a professional can help
you to address why you have felt the need to be perfect. Once
you come to terms with that you can begin to begin creating excellence.
One caution, don’t overanalyze this, just accept that the
best you can do is all you can expect.
Addictions can be the most challenging problems to deal with. They have their own defense systems. Each addiction requires different ways to address it. Some need the Cold Turkey quitting. Some need to be weaned slowly to ease the withdrawal symptoms. No matter what the addiction, the underlying problem is the one that really needs addressing. The problem is that addictions themselves usually create their own problems, and therefore the originating problem isn’t addressed, therefore the motivation to slip back into the addictive behavior is great. You need to find some way to address the core issue, and that usually involves a professional. The fear around the core issue is usually what drove the person to the addiction, so it’s best that you find someone that knows how to assist you with both the physical part of the addiction, and the mental/emotional element of the addiction. It’s worth dealing with these problems. Chances are that everything you really desire that you don’t have is on the other side of these issues. Make a decision that you desire that more than you fear the challenges, and take the first step.