What does it take to realize that you need help and what can you do to get someone you love to get help? by John Seeley
as what did it take for me to realize I needed help, may or
may not be relevant since we all have different
motivations But I will tell you some circumstances that contributed
to my awakening, but remember that your and your partner's story
are different. After “my worst year” I described
in my book, I had a failing business, and over the next 4 years
I lost a lot of money. I met and married my now ex-wife, but
before we married, my dad, who was very abusive verbally to me
in my teens, died. Three years later, as I was going through
my divorce, my mom was killed in a car accident. By that time
I felt so much emotional pain, I knew I needed help. My point
of writing my book, was to help others to not have to reach that
depth of pain before they took action.
So to address your situation with your partner, I would start with asking them to read my book. It is available as an audio CD if they would be more likely to "listen" to it. Perhaps if they heard my story some, they might be open to looking at some possible ways to work on the situation.
Sometimes people might be doing some controlling behavior, by
wanting to do everything themselves, so it's done right. Controlling
behavior comes from a situation we had no control over. It is
our way of over compensating for our feeling of loss of control
in our lives. We often feel that we have to be able to handle
anything. We believe that's our job. In past generations, they
had previous ones to offer advice, and help. But as we have moved
into a more modern time, the generations have distanced themselves.
Times have changed so rapidly, that the previous generation doesn't
relate to ours, and visa versa.
The good news is that much progress has been made in the understanding of human behavior, that there is professional help widely available. I wrote my book as one of those sources. I meant it for people that want to "do it themselves." Unfortunately some people think that has to be without any input form any other sources. That's not true. Even men ask advice at Home Depot, why not with something as important as their marriage, family and their life? I know why some men don't, ego and pride. But as they say, "pride goes before the fall." I had to lose mine, and practically everything, before I chose to ask for help. I hope others don't have to get to that point before they ask for help. Help was my salvation. In my case, I didn't realize that I needed help, or that it was available, or even where to look for it.
In your and case, it may be you are feeling it's a big problem that they seem not to be dealing with. You can't push a rope, but you can offer suggestions to them that may offer a path for them to follow. Again, start by seeing if they'll read my book. It may offer them some new insight into their feelings, and how to deal with them in a more positive way. Certainly if they were open to it, find some good professional help. Sometimes a calming, knowledgeable and independent guide to help steer you through the scary process of looking at your emotional wounds is the help you need. I found some of the best help in group situations, where I could get the information and blend in, also so I wouldn't have to be alone doing it. If I could see others facing the same challenges or worse, I could do it too. I went to weekend self-help workshops. It can be like getting 5 years of therapy in a weekend. It can be very challenging to face your emotional wounds alone. Also it really helps to have someone experienced to assist you through it easier and quicker that if you choose to run the maze by yourself. It took me years to find my way out. I have dedicated my life to helping other to save them some of the pain, and suffering of life, by offering to help guide them to their own answers, more quickly and easily. There are many different forms of professionals.
It's important to find someone knowledgeable and one that you and your partner feel comfortable with. You may have to shop around to find that, but it's worth it. Let you partner know it's not wrong to ask for or need help. We all do. I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't asked for and gotten help. It's the best thing I ever did.