What to do if your new date isn’t working out by John Seeley
What do you do when you begin dating and after a few dates you realize that it’s not working out? The common thing is to “do nothing.” That is if you’re a man, you stop calling or e-mailing. If you’re a woman, you stop taking calls or answering e-mails. That can be seen as callous. However, it may be humane as well. If the truth were to be told, they might say, you’re too old, too over weight, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, etc. So as mom used to say, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. So blame mom. Of course the recipients of the “silence” are left wondering, “What happened?”
Having been on both side of this situation, I find it can be uncomfortable to say the least. If you get the silent treatment, you say, “What is it about me that they didn’t like?, And more importantly why?” Some with strong egos might say, “They don’t know what they’re missing, and it’s their loss.” Maybe you’re right, but the curiosity factor is still there, particularly if you really liked them.
Remember that a lot
of relationship communication that is unspoken. Our subconscious
has a lot to do with whether things will work
out or not. So you might not even consciously realize why you
don’t feel drawn to your date.
Other times you know why you’re not attracted enough to continue the dating. But what do you do? Is honesty the best policy? That probably depends on your ability to convey honesty with compassion. If you lack the compassion gene, it might be best to use the “Silence” method.
If you do have an ability to convey honesty with proper compassion, then you can consider telling the person, that it’s just not the right relationship for you. Many times there is literally nothing wrong with the other person, but there just isn’t chemistry. Or possibly you realize that there is only partial compatibility. So what do you say?
Well I’ve experienced everything from “This just isn’t working.” to I just bumped into my ex-boyfriend, and we still have “unfinished business.” The old “It’s not you it’s me”, didn’t work on Seinfeld, and probably won’t work in life either. So if you’re going to offer an explanation, make sure it comes from the heart. So potential reasons might be, I’m not ready for a relationship right now”, which could be entirely true. But saying that you don’t feel that you’re compatible in such and such a way, can cut the relationship off cleanly. It’s hard to argue with the truth.
The thing about feelings is that they are always valid. That is they are your feelings no matter how much they have to do with fact. So if you don’t feel it can work, and since it does take two to make it work, it’s not going to work.
Men often take the “Silent” route, while women often use the “it’s not working“ line to bring closure to the budding relationship. There is no right or wrong, but in all cases use compassion.
Being on the receiving end of “it’s not working,” is not always pleasant. But since how you react to a challenge, is the challenge. It’s best to watch how you react and see what beliefs you might have about you that color your interpretation of the “bad news.” That actually might be the benefit of this relationship. It’s what we feel about ourselves inside that is subconsciously reflected to others. If we feel rejected, it’s because we reject a part of us.
Every relationship has something to teach us. Sometimes it’s about how to treat someone else. Often it has to do with how we feel about ourselves. In any case look at each relation ship as opportunity to learn and grow.